Good sir! In trying to represent every conceivable style of music on 24 Originals Happening Now, we were surprised to find through exhaustive and pricey marketing surveys that so many of you, our cherished listeners, wanted us to include something representative of “steampunk” on our collection. We searched high and low, sparing no expense (O.K., we Google’d that) and found there was not a genuine “steampunk” musical movement at all like the steam-less punk of years passed, just a lot of pith helmet, pocket-watch and tarnished brass enthusiasts.
We therefore decided to feed all the neural impulses of a steampunk fashion model into an EEG-based brain-computer interface for virtual cursor movement and attached that to a dedicated electrocardiogram machine filled with blank staff paper in an effort to translate the model’s “steampunk movement” into musical notation. Then we assembled our team of very expensive by-the-hour session players to execute what the computer worked out for us and found it sounded not unlike a drum circle at a senior assisted living facility. After much badgering and intimidation of the elders, it resembled a frightened and hungry Guy Lombardo’s Royal Canadians and later still, after some costly program tweaking, Paul McCartney and Wings on a bender.
So we went with that. Victorian subject matter, marching beat, shiny brass, antique typewriters, yep, it all smacks of Sir Paul after a few too many lagers. Like that morning he woke up under a piano and remembered he’d quit the greatest rock group in the history of mankind to make music with his wife.
Armed with this new insight into steampunk, we located a Paul McCartney impersonator (Bernie Owens) who played left-and-uncalled-for-right handed bass in The Nowhere Men, a touring Beatles cover band that only performed at minimum security prison facilities. Our ersatz Paulie was outfitted with opera glass goggles, antique bird cage helmets, feathers and rotary dials. Rechristening him Watson the Telly, we whisked him into the studio to record a musical retelling of the “Queensbury Rules” of boxing, which was what a highfalutin survey determined was the number one topic you people really wanted to hear a song about (coming in a close second was ‘equity mutual funds’).
After this extremely overpriced recording date, Bernie disappeared with our posh steampunk swag, setting us back tens of thousands of dollars. According to our steeply priced detectives, he was last spotted in a seedy watering hole in Roanoke, rusting our exorbitant armature with sloppy Pabst Blue Ribbon. So if you happen to see Bernie a/k/a Watson the Telly, please give that bounder a right thumpin’ for us.
Unless you’re firing an airship admiral’s sidearm or exhuming some Victorian dueling pistols from their carrying case, this BONUS B-SIDE OF DUBIOUS DISTINCTION will be of no interest to you. But fans of Cher will recognize this at once as “Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)”, complete with mariachi brass and actual gun sound effects. The identity of the singer, however, is not the aforementioned Watson the Telly but a trans-gender Cher impersonator named Flossy that the producers took a liking to when they set her in the sites of their steampunk beer goggles.